What to Know About Dating While Your Divorce Is Pending

These are the things you need to know and be aware of before/while you do.

It took eleven months for my divorce to be finalized. The last nine months of my marriage had broken me, and I started immediately dating as soon as I left my ex.

I was encouraged time and time again to not date, to just focus on myself, but I felt lonely and stressed. Getting on dating apps and talking with and sometimes meeting up with men was a way to have some fun and feel desirable again.

Life is rarely simple, and the advice that works for one person may be worthless for someone else.

I wanted to date, so I dated, but if you’re considering the same, there are some things you need to know and be aware of before/while you do so.

In the state I live in, dating before the divorce is finalized is considered adultery and can hurt you in the divorce proceedings. This is not the case for every state.

Many of the ways dating can hurt you are financial: if you’re trying to get alimony, for example, or get a larger percentage of assets.

While yes, I did commit adultery in that I dated before our divorce was finalized, my lawyer told me that my ex-husband had done so many more things that me dating was just a small drop in the bucket. Wife dated while separated vs. husband embezzled? Hmmm…

The important thing that my lawyer said was that I needed to not tell my ex (unless in a formal deposition) or have anyone I was dating around my children.

Bringing a new sweetheart around your kids or letting your ex know while he or she is still mourning for you could lead to a longer, more contentious divorce process. This could cost you even more money because it would mean more lawyering.

Worse, it could affect your custody arrangement since a judge might award more parenting time to the spouse who hasn’t been dating around.

Conclusion: if you’re going to date, consult your attorney to make sure it’s not going to hurt you in the divorce process, AND do it with propriety.

Divorce is extremely stressful.

When you’re bringing in lawyers and judges to witness and facilitate your break-up to someone you thought would be your forever, it’s a emotionally toxic soup.

I wasn’t healed when I left my ex, and launching into dating so quickly after my separation delayed any healing.

It also unnecessarily complicated things because I was grieving the end of my marriage while trying to be in a new relationship. It’s really not sexy when you’re sobbing on the floor and your new sweetheart is comforting you.

Conclusion: You are not going to have your shit together, so be mindful of the fact that you may not want to bring someone else into it.

Water seeks its own level, so it makes sense that me being a put-together-with-band-aids-and-hope grief monster meant I was only attracted to other people who were also messy.

The person I dated immediately after I separated I would have never dated if I’d given myself more time. He was inappropriate in every way that mattered to me. We had vastly different values and goals for the future. He lied all of the goddamn time, and I didn’t even find him physically attractive.

I was so utterly blinded by pain that I couldn’t see this guy for who he really was. He was so wonderful! Fantastic! So kind! (But he really wasn't.)

When I finally was able to “see” him for who he was, I realized in so many ways that he had deceived me and I would have been able to see right through him if I’d been in a better/different place.

Conclusion: Maybe hold off on blundering into your next relationship. Maybe don’t date at all, or date only casually instead.

Advice that works for one person may not work for you at all, and that’s okay. Everyone’s divorce and recovery timelines look different.

Decide what’s best for you, and make sure you’re considering your future and anyone else involved (read: children, new sweetheart, your ex, etc.) as well.

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