A woman’s desire lowers the longer she’s in a relationship, so to keep her satisfied, bring in some variety!
The longer most women bed someone, the longer it starts to take them to orgasm.
It’s not that they’ve stopped being aroused by their partner or that they don’t make her breath catch in her throat when they surprise her with their touch.It is simply that for most heterosexual women, our sexual desire lessens within a long-term relationship, even while our feelings of security, intimacy, and love grow.
In a study that included both men and women, female and male subjects viewed a pornographic film daily for four days and then were exposed to either “(i) a film showing the same actors engaging in different sexual acts or (ii) one with different actors engaging in the same activities shown in the original film.”
After the participants viewed the “new” film, they then self-reported their sexual arousal. The male subjects became more aroused by the films containing different actors, while the females became more aroused by the same actors performing different acts.
For the female subjects, they were more aroused by the novelty of the different acts than the novelty of different people.
In another study, “women reported lower levels of desire depending on the length of their relationship. Specifically, for each additional month women in this study were in a relationship with their partner, their sexual desire decreased by 0.02.”
After several months being together with the same partner, women need so much more to be brought to orgasm.
Last night, I asked my partner for a round two.
“Did I not satisfy you enough the first time?” he asked.
Sex is a difficult conversation to have with anyone — let alone my husband — , but it opened the door for me to voice that I’m needing some more variety and what I’d like that variety to look like.
Not all women are comfortable voicing their desires, so if you’re noticing that your female partner isn’t enjoying what she used to always enjoy before, it might be time for you to expand your sexual repertoire. Maybe, even, to get a little…kinky.
1. Educate yourself.
We all get locked into a routine that we don’t want to break from, so adding variety isn’t always easy. It often takes learning new things, as well as being willing, vulnerable, and open to try those new things.
My partner loves listening to the podcast Call Her Daddy because it’s funny and they talk about sex stuff. He has come home before to say, “Hey, I heard this on the podcast. Want to try it?” and my answer has always been a whole-bodied, “YES!”
Whether you read sexuality articles, pick out some choice podcasts, or peruse a sex guide online, don’t stop expanding what you think and know about sex to keep improving your sex life for both you and your special lady.
2. Change the scenery.
Know what’s hot? Having sex somewhere other than your bed.
Think: on the kitchen floor, on the couch, in the shower or bathtub, or over your desk. You can even spend the night in a local hotel, etc.
While I don’t recommend doing anything that might get you charged with “public indecency,” moving somewhere other than the bedroom can be just different enough to get her kitten purring.
2. Try blindfolds or restraints.
If both parties are comfortable with this, you and your lady can have some fun.
Do you want to get blindfolded and see what she’d like to do to you? Or does she want you totally in control? Play with whatever both parties are interested in and comfortable with.
Also make sure to have a “safe word,” so both parties know when to stop.
3. Try something new or something you haven’t done in a while.
Haven’t given or received oral in a while? What about trying anal or anilingus?
Consent is always the first step because you don’t want to put your mouth, a toy, or your penis anywhere your partner wouldn’t want you to, but once you’ve gotten that, it might be time to engage in some new kind of play!
You’re her boss, and she’s willing to do anything for that raise. She’s a super hot alien who only knows the word “yes.” You’re a millenia-old vampire who knows a thing or two about biting. She’s a cheerleader, and you’re the president of the AV club.
We all have our secret fantasies that feel a little dirty, weird, or even shameful. Let your sex life with your lady be a place for both of you to play and experiment.
5. Try new or different positions or dirty talk.
My partner and I both love doggy, but sometimes I get fed up that there isn’t a lot of opportunity for looking into each other’s eyes or kissing for that matter when I’m bent over.
For us, missionary is something new or different, or spoon-sexing, or really… any other position other than doggy. If we get too much into a routine, it’s time to do something different.
Same with dirty talk. I’ve been wanting more lately. I kind of dig being disrespected a bit in the bedroom. My partner is an absolute gentleman who respects me and is my equal, but in the bedroom? I like it when he’s telling me what to do and calling me some bad names with it.
6. Use toys and lubricants.
Whether it’s her toy or one you purchase together, try bringing a new little friend into the fold. Maybe you could use it on her before you use her, or add it in while you’re already in the middle.
Lubes aren’t a bad idea either. There are plenty of options: heating, cooling, deliciously edible. The important thing is they increase her comfort while allowing you to slide right in.
7. Turn the lights on or off.
Last night, I wanted the lights on. I wanted my eyes to feast on my partner because 1.) he’s hot and 2.) it turns me on looking at him.
Other times, it’s hot to have no lights on, to feel each other in the dark and play with having all of your other senses heightened in a way not all that different if one of you was blindfolded.
Whatever is your norm: try shaking it up.
8. Watch porn or read erotica.
The one time my partner and I put porn on to watch together, we were having sex within a minute and turned it off a few minutes later because the fake moaning was annoying us both.
I know other couples who watch porn for the plot line or love reading erotica aloud to each other on long road trips.
If it’s not something you’ve done before or in a while, why not try bringing it in? The worst that could happen is that you turn it off. The best that could happen is that you bang.
9. Give her a massage.
Get her naked, grab some lotion, and see what happens when you start rubbing it on her. When we got stuck into a routine, we start neglecting the whole body. When’s the last time your put your hands on her shoulders? Her calves? What about her feet? Her elbows? Those aren’t necessarily sexy places on her body, but our skin is our largest organ, so awaken and enliven every part of hers.
10. Allow monogamy “gray” zones.
A friend of mine, who doesn’t define herself as bisexual or gay, loves strip clubs. She loves talking to the girls and seeing them twerk their ass right in her face. She also loves watching her husband slide a dollar bill into the strap of a stripper’s thong and another woman give him a lap dance.
I know another couple where the wife is perfectly fine with her husband going to the strip club with his buddy every Friday night.
Strip clubs may not “necessarily” be considered cheating, and some couples are perfectly okay with their partners having fun in these “gray” areas. It’s up to the couple and having boundaries both members are comfortable with.
Variety is important and necessary to sustaining the enjoyment for bothpartners in a heterosexual long-term relationship, so try something new today!