Tara Blair Ball
Feb 8, 20214 min
It may be a little bit about your looks, but it’s mostly about your personality.
When I have a relationship coaching session with a new male client, I always take some time to sit down with him and explore what qualities pique his interests when he sees a woman, what has drawn his eye to one woman over another.
While some of these have been, of course, shallow, others have surprised me. Seeing a woman perform a kind act might make a guy do a double-take vs. if she’d just been looking fine in a bodycon dress.
These are the most common things my male clients have told me over the years that have drawn them to women.
How do you hold yourself: slumped forward or straight-backed? Do you stare at the ground or look straight ahead?
In a world where the attentions of men can be dangerous, it can be extremely difficult for many women to exhibit confidence and self-esteem since even the mere act of glancing at a man could induce him to violence.
Regardless, if a woman feels comfortable and knows she’s in a safe place and brings out her full confident self, it’s an attractive feature, one that many men have commented as the #1 thing they look for.
Scientists have proven that, for both men and women, kindness is a desirable trait in a long-term partner.
It makes sense. Who wants to date an asshole? We want someone who is going to at least offer us the same basic human courtesy they’d afford to a stranger plus some.
If someone’s rude or mean to servers, baristas, etc. on a date, it’s not likely they’ll get a second one.
This isn’t about being fake or a doormat either. If you don’t enjoy or want to do something, voice that, but be diplomatic (“Hey, I’m not really enjoying all of the loud music. Could we pick someone else?”).
Nearly every client I’ve had has dated a jealous woman. Jealousy is bred from insecurity and fear, which is a nasty mix that will poison any relationship it runs rampant in.
Notice how you talk about other women while you’re out with a guy. Do you disparage their bodies, looks, or clothes? Do you push him to talk about his exes and tell you all the bad dirt?
If you’re trying to make yourself feel or look superior by putting down other women, you’re raising yourself up on a pair of wobbly sticks. You’re depending on other people looking “bad” to make yourself look “good.” Men want self-confidence and self-esteem, and that has to be built on your own sense of self-worth, not on how you feel about other women.
Again, it may not always feel safe for a woman to laugh or smile, but when she does, it’s certain men will turn to look at her. She’s showing her emotions, and men want to be there for it, especially if they get to be the one to make her laugh or smile.
Guys will admit that they aren’t paying attention to the color of your nails or the cut of your clothes, but they’ll notice if something looks nice on you or not. Some men too like women in certain outfits: sweatpants and Uggs or cardigan and khakis.
Wear things you like that you feel comfortable in, but also notice if men seem to approach you more often when you’re wearing certain outfits.
Good guys don’t want half-women, women who are intent on making them a project piece to avoid addressing their own issues or pinning a GPS tracker to their jacket and showing up wherever they are.
They want women with their own jobs, hobbies, interests, and friends. Major bonus points too if she’s also financially solvent, so she’s not dragging her bad decisions into the relationship.
Mostly, these guys want to know their partners can take care of themselves, and that can be indicated by whether you have a career or job, friends, hobbies, etc.
The “crazy” woman has become a damaging stereotype, but it didn’t arise out of nowhere. A woman’s fear or insecurity can make her act irrationally.She may attack, insult, or try to control a situation she would have been better walking away from.
More often than not, a dude has pushed her to react this way by leading her on, not communicating, being unfaithful, etc. but that’s neither here nor there. But if she’s not with that dude anymore, then she should work on her awareness.
Dudes pay attention to how you handle negative things. Are you resilient?Do you lash out when you’re upset? Do you pay attention to and respond to red flags, both in others and in yourself? Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and men will be attracted to that.
If a man is looking for a true partner, he doesn’t want someone passive and lazy. He’s going to want someone as driven as himself, even if it’s in a completely different way.
He may dream of being a stay-at-home dad while she’s pursuing her law degree. She may want to work remotely and travel while he’s investing in the stock market. As long as your goals can work together and you havesome, then that will be attractive.
Chemistry and attraction is about so much more than looks. One of my clients told me once that he pushed his way through a shoulder-to-shoulder packed bar just to talk to a woman because he loved her smile.
We are often the most attracted to those who have similar personal beliefs and values, but when it comes to just a casual conversation or a glance on the street, these are the surface things a guy might pick up on that may make him want to know more.
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